I sometimes wish I could keep up. Unfortunately, I don’t think it’s possible for now. At least, not yet! I could try, but soon, you’d realise that we are worlds apart when it comes to our energy levels and that may frustrate our friendship. I thought I should let you know now – in case, you were expecting us to share the same energy level, or even be able to meet half-way. I wish I could do more with you but I’m afraid I can’t, as we are both at opposite ends of the spectrum for now. We are like a polar opposite for now – but that’s not to say we will never meet. For now, I would rather spend time with me, cherish me, enjoy me while I can or at least, until I regain my energy. Please don’t see this as being selfish, am just trying to survive in the midst of a chronic fatigue syndrome. Ever heard about this syndrome? Perhaps not.
You see, this is the syndrome that takes up all my energy. This is the syndrome that makes it difficult to keep up with you. It reduces my want for enthusiasm and increases my need to spend more time with me. So, please do not resent our friendship because there’s not much I can do. I can try, but this may cause more frustration for you, as you will never understand. As much as I would have liked to join in your different activities and events, regrettably, I couldn’t. I couldn’t take the risk of exhausting myself or I’d be overwhelmed completely by this syndrome and suffer a crash.
The Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS), otherwise known as Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME) is a syndrome that no one understands. Of course, the medical world is trying but who better understand the syndrome than the sufferer. The syndrome apparently has no cure – other than day to day self-management. You can see the reason, why I have to spend more time with me, to cherish and enjoy me. Trust me, I would have wanted to attend your events, participate in your activities, but not when I have to be weary of a ‘crash’. A crash so great that may take months to recover. A crash that could keep me house-bound or even completely bed-bound. You see, because I know this and the activities that could lead to the crash happening, I take necessary steps to avoid them, not you – until God heals. I know God will heal me and soon too – so I hope my friend that we can find the balance and respect for now.
What’s painful about this syndrome is that people don’t understand the condition at all. A lot of people listen but you can tell by their facial expression that they don’t understand. They think it is the usual fatigue. Unfortunately, the syndrome isn’t normal, it attacks the body, shuts it down and causes severe pain. You can see, but can’t move, you can’t walk normally, and if you are able to, they are baby-steps. It’s a paralytic feeling all over your body, and dare I mention, the neurological impact. You may not be able to work or even study. It’s a truly disabling condition, which only God can heal. You can see why I need to enjoy me, listen to me and not exhaust me to the point of severity. If I can manage me, then, at least I can still be your friend in other ways. I can still have normal chat with you; smile with you; spend some time with you until God’s heals me, and I know he will. I am convinced he will. He formed me and so, why shouldn’t he. He will heal me and then I can do more with you.
However, for now, let me be me. Work with me to overcome the syndrome. Don’t take my passiveness for pride. I may not have shared my story with you but, as you can see, behind every mask there’s a face. There’s a smiling, beautiful face going through a lot – and may sometimes be difficult to explain to you. It’s not because I’m proud or antisocial, it’s because, I need to take stock of me, manage me and be more diagnosing of me to avoid a ‘crash.’ I hope to God that you still see me as your friend. It’s okay if not, I completely understand and you could do a lot more without me pulling you back; just as I would need to manage me for me and for my family so I can spend quality time with me and them too. You will always be my friend, but for now, I need to manage me, and wait for God’s healing. My family are desperate too for his healing. They miss the bubbly me; they too miss my energy – my son and spouse, but they are happy to work with my energy level because they know that I am a great mum and wife, and God restoring my energy, I’ll give more.
Just in case you know of someone with CFS. It’s not their fault, the condition makes it hard for them to meet you, even half-way. Trust me, they wish could give more to you – but, only if the condition permits. I pray God’s healing for them too and for all those living with different conditions. Amen!